Christian Homekeeping: Thoughts on My 2nd Trimester Miscarriage Loss

I was 18 weeks pregnant when I found out that our baby had died many weeks before. The size of the baby was measuring 11w 5dy, but they said that they shrink, so there is really no way of knowing the exact time it died inside of me. Estimations are that it died in the 14th week, which was around New Year's and then spent the month of January shrinking back to the size it was when we found out. I was just 4 days away from finding out the gender, though I really thought it was a boy, we just will never know. We were going to call the baby Kyle for a boy or possibly Emma for a girl, so we named it Kyma since we don't know.

That image on the ultrasound is not only imbedded in my head - they gave us a copy of it (because I requested it.) I knew when I saw it on the screen that it just didn't look right. My baby's body was curled up and it was so small, not moving and there was no heartbeat. Even though I knew the baby was probably not alive, I wasn't ready to know that not only was it dead, my body kept it in there for so long, it just didn't want to let go. I didn't want to let go but once they saw it was possibly in there for 6 weeks, they had to rush it out of me.

I kept thinking maybe it was just asleep really good and curled up. Maybe they were wrong and its heart was beating and they just didn't put the wand on the right spot. "Are you sure it is dead!?" I said over and over again. Maybe God could raise it from the dead, should we pray? Even after they took it out, I would put my hands on my stomach and pray for God to put it back in there.

No one told me that if I had been induced, I could have held it and buried it. No one told me that I could have requested the same after the D&C. No one told me I could have its body tested to find out if the reason it died was something it had wrong. No one told me that they might miss part of the pregnancy in the D&C and I would pass it at home. No one told me that I was in shock and that intense feeling of grieving would come over me when I came back to reality. No one prepared me for the feelings I would feel about God.

There are so many questions, regrets, emotions - my life is a blur. I didn't even feel God for a week, it was as though He wasn't there. I felt like discarded baggage by a God I thought always wanted good things for me. How was this good? How could God let a woman in Lake Stevens, WA have 3 children and abuse them and leave them locked up in a house with no heat or food and feces everywhere and let my baby die? Why didn't God stop it? Why didn't God heal the baby if something was wrong with it? Was God unable to stop it? Do things just happen to us and God doesn't have control? Is it worth praying if things are just going to happen? Does God love me?

Psalm 42:3

My tears have been my meat day and night....

God, you know I would have loved this baby. You know I would have raised it up in Your Word. You know me God! However, I know that you can love it more than me and my baby is with You forever and I will see Kyma one day. Heaven got so much sweeter and my longing for it, so much more intense.

Quotes to Ponder

If you’re a friend to all and an enemy to none, then you’re leading no one. - Unknown

The objective in Christian homeschooling is not to teach children how to "deal with the real world." I do not want to teach my children how to merely survive this life. As believers in Christ, we are called to be overcomers! - HE magazine

The modest virgin, the prudent wife, and the careful matron, are much more serviceable in life than petticoated philosophers, blustering heroines, or virago queens. She who makes her husband and her children happy, who reclaims the one from vice and trains up the other to virtue, is a much greater character than ladies described in romances, whose whole occupation is to murder mankind with shafts from their quiver, or their eyes. - Oliver Goldsmith

Long ago I ceased to count heads. Truth is usually in the minority in this evil world. - Charles Spurgeon

In a time of universal deceit, telling the TRUTH, is a revolutionary act . -George Orwell

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. -Winston Churchill

It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

Christian mothers too often neglect their home-centered role for the empty promises of fulfillment in the workplace, while they warehouse their children in daycare centers. Parents send their children to secular schools where God is outlawed, and they allow them to watch trashy movies and listen to vile music—and hang out with those who do the same. After years of training in the ways of rebellion through godless schooling, debauched entertainment, and peer association, Christian parents are somehow surprised when their teenagers rebel, forsaking the God of their fathers.- Philip Lancaster

You are as much serving God in looking after your own children, and training them up in God's fear, and minding the house, and making your household a church for God, as you would be if you had been called to lead an army to battle for the Lord of hosts. - Charles Spurgeon

“Why do women want to dress like men when they’re fortunate enough to be women? Why lose femininty, which is one of our greatest charms? We get more accomplished by being charming than we would be flaunting around in pants and smoking. I’m very fond of men. I think they are wonderful creatures. I love them dearly. But I don’t want to look like one. When women gave up their long skirts, they made a grave error….”-Tasha Tudor

SECULARISM is a philosophy that claims that there is no God-or that if there is a God, He is irrelevant. HUMANISM essentially says that in the absence of God, humans can and should act as gods by judging, choosing, and defining what is right for themselves. The philosophy pervading the public education system combines these two philosophies into one.-Ken Ham

The true defining situation for a person is what they do when they are alone and don't have to do anything else. What do they do? Do they do frivolous things? That's when you define what you are. -Kevin Rollins, former CEO of DELL

How can there be too many children? That’s like saying there are too many flowers. -Mother Teresa

Fifty-nine modern nations are plagued by the high-tech benefits of birth-control pills. Each of them have waged a cultural war against babies. Each of them suffer below-replacement birthrates. Each of them face potential extinction. But concerns such as national suffering, dangerous international geopolitics and the disappearance of entire nations are matters that would require mature thinking – something that was successfully bred-out of the American people when they accepted the pill as, in the words of Hugh Hefner, the greatest invention of the 20th century. - Geoffrey Botkin

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows; it empties today of its strength. -Corrie ten Boom

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