With the new baby here and all the busyness that that brings, I have somehow, over the past few weeks, grown away from God. It isn't that I'm sinning outright, it is that I let the busyness become sin because it has taken place of God in my life. Some days I would do good and pray (though not as intense as I used to) and read my Bible (though hurrying to get through and check it off), but most days I didn't do either - unless you count the throughout-the-day-prayers of "God, help this" or "God heal that" etc. Somehow, over the past few weeks I grew numb, spiritually. That is the best that I can describe it - numb. I don't feel hardly anything at church through the singing and preaching or even the altar call. I've sat there the past few services and kept asking God, "What is wrong with me!?" It isn't ok to count God as some worthless use of our time by putting him last! It isn't ok to do all these "good" things and take care of our family and others if we didn't FIRST take care of our commitment to God. It just isn't ok with me that I've been so consumed with doing everything "just about right" in this new life I'm in with a baby, that I didn't count God as number one. I'm mad at myself and frustrated that I've gotten myself into this routine WITHOUT God first.
Sure, I've prayed hard those times my baby was sick and we didn't know what was wrong with him, but deep inside I really felt that God wouldn't hear my prayer because I hadn't been "up-to-date" in my prayer and bible reading. I felt unworthy for Him to hear me - and with that, my faith was nonexistent. However, no matter how little we have read our bibles or prayed recently - that doesn't determine if God will hear us or not. God doesn't just hear the "worthy" or those that do everything just right, He hears His children and answers prayers if we have the faith, regardless of how unworthy we may feel.
I read a post from a friend about this very thing, and she mentioned a word that really stood out to me because it is one that I need right now - RENEW. I'm renewing my walk with God and my life and going to RE-program my life by putting God back in first place. I don't want to feel numb anymore during church and so disconnected from God - I want to feel that old-time feeling again, where I walk with the Lord and have him first and can come boldly to His throne and ask for what I need without feeling that distance. It is time to renew!
